No Evidence of Cancer Remains

TIME AGAIN FOR THE HAPPY DANCE !!

I made it through the last few days of radiation without a hitch. As if this weren't the BEST of news, I was given the next 3 weeks "off". No treatments or pills. No doctors' appointments or tethers to the hospital. I was NORMAL !!

I slept a lot, read a lot and reacquainted myself with everyday life. Chrissie and Fran left for London, our nephew Matt got engaged, Felix stopped biting his fur and I started spending more time down the Cape. I heard from old friends, shopped, went out to dinner, and had the chance (of a lifetime) to see Sir Paul, front row center, at Fenway. It's hard to express how wonderful it feels to be "back".

This week I've started another round of chemo, 7 pills a day, which will last for 4 weeks. I'll continue Herceptin infusions, one every 3 weeks, through next June. At some point, about a month after my last day on chemo, I'll start the pill I'll need to take once a day for the next 5 years. The end is in sight !!

I'm so thankful to my team at MGH and the fact that I was able to have such state of the art care and treatment. Words seem hardly enough to express my gratitude for all the blessings I've received. Of course, as always, YOU are the reason I'm able to wake up each morning with a smile on my face. Your love and support have carried me through each and every day. You're always in my thoughts.

I'm going to give my blog a rest for a while. The next big decision will center around the possibility of another surgery, some time next year. I'm not sure I'll opt for more surgery, but I have plenty of time to think about it. In the meantime, know I'm forever grateful for your presence in my life. I wish you the BEST, always.

4 More Days To Go, But Who's Counting

That would be ME !! Counting down the number of radiation days left to go. The treatment protocol was changed from 7 weeks to 6 weeks, a huge relief in and of itself.

So far I've been tolerating the mix of radiation and oral chemo pretty well. My chest passed the sunburned, angry red stage last week, sailing into what I would call a purple haze. Right about the time my cheeks started swelling, turning red and blotchy. I'm quite the sight. I'm using 4 different lotions and ointments, which seem to help.

I've been switched to the final phase of treatment a week early, which is radiating the incision site only. Since 90% of recurrence happens there, my team thinks this is the best approach. Hopefully a week's break will allow my chest to heal to the point of being able to tolerate the last 2 days of the regular treatment next week.

THEN I'LL BE THROUGH WITH RADIATION !!

And being tethered to MGH Monday through Friday. I may sleep for the first few days. Then go down the Cape for an extended stay.

Thanks to all of you for helping me make it through this point. You are the BEST. I don't know what I would do without your love and support. Words can hardly express the overwhelming gratitude I feel when I think of you. I am truly blessed.

1 Down, 6 To Go

That would be weeks of radiation, as the countdown begins !! We celebrated my having made it through the first week of chemo pills, radiation and Herceptin infusion. The first day took longer than expected, 8 hours in all, so we had to postpone cocktails at the Liberty Hotel. I'm thinking the end of treatment would be a better time to PARTAY. More on this later.

So far, so good. I'm tired but able to nap. I've started a "sunburn" which usually doesn't happen until a few weeks into treatment. If I turn tomato red by the end of this week, the doctor will adjust the chemo dose. I'm seeing the Reiki therapist, continuing acupuncture and looking into yoga or Pilate's for breast cancer patients, offered through the hospital. Lots to keep me busy in between daily trips to radiation and doctor appointments.

We continue driving down the Cape on weekends. It's peaceful and beautiful, the perfect balance to weeks in the city. Chrissie's been able to come with us, hopefully work won't interfere with this schedule.

I continue to be strong because of you. Thanks for your love and well wishes. My thoughts are with you.

Radiation Is Set To Go, TURN ON THE JUICE

SUCCESS !! I've been working closely with the physical therapist at Mass General to improve flexibility in my left arm, which is still stiff and sore, a month after my second surgery. The first time I went for a radiation "fitting" I wasn't able to move it to a position over my head to fit in the CT machine. A week later, with a little help from my friends (Ativan and Percoset), I was able to tolerate the procedure. I'm now sporting 5 tattoos which the radiologists will use to guide each radiation treatment to precisely the correct spot. In case you're wondering, yes, I DID ask for a discreet flower tattoo around my ankle, time permitting, when they were through. Clearly they'd been asked this before (where IS their sense of humor), the answer was a flat NO. This makes me want to go to the first treatment with a few paste-on flowers, to possibly make them reconsider.

My radiation "dry-run" is scheduled for Monday, June 8. The real-deal treatment begins June 9. It's going to be a full day, starting with 5 chemo pills each day for 12 weeks, and Herceptin infusions (every 3 weeks for a year). YIKES. My goal is to stay strong for the duration of the treatment.

Martha is going with me on June 9. When the zapping is complete, our plan is to walk from the Yawkey Building at Mass General directly next door to the Liberty Hotel, straight to the Alibi Bar for an after-radiation/chemo/infusion cocktail (other than toxic chemicals). We'll be toasting ALL OF YOU for helping me make it through to this next step in my recovery !!

Our niece Chrissie is staying with us for most of the summer. We're VERY happy. She'll be working 2 days a week as an intern at O'Neill and Associates, in Boston, and looking for additional employment, hopefully the kind that comes with a paycheck, as she's saving to go back to school in the fall. In addition, she'll be helping me through the first couple of months of treatment. She'll be BUSY.

I remain positive and strong, again because of you. Words can't express my gratitude for your unfailing support, good wishes and prayers. Here's to YOU, best wishes for the summer and all your endeavors. Oh, and GO SOX !!

Igor Has Left The Building

His remains are HISTORY !!
The pathology report shows no trace of him remaining. From this day forward, I feel I have joined the ranks of Cancer Survivor !!

Hopefully his demise was SO painful, humiliating and gut wrenching, he'll never have the nerve to show his disgusting, stinky, slimy self again. The doctors at Massachusetts General have a new one/two/three punch course of treatment in mind for me to ensure he stays away forever.

Starting next week I begin PT at the hospital, geared toward limbering my left arm, which right now is pretty stiff. Radiation begins the first week of June. I'll go once a day, Monday through Friday, for 7 weeks. Each treatment will take about 15 minutes. Both of my arms need to be flexible enough to stay overhead for this procedure, so I have some work to do between now and then.

I'll start chemotherapy in pill form at the same time, for 12 weeks. Hopefully side effects will be minimal.

Radiation/chemo together is the one/two punch. Here's the third: I'll be visiting the infusion floor again, once every 3 weeks for a year, to receive the drug Herceptin. Just when I thought I could say goodbye to the power port, it needs to stay a while longer. This protein based drug has an impressive cure rate for HER2 positive tumors like mine. According to my medical oncologist, I'm on the cutting edge of treatment with this drug combination. Though not a place I ever thought I'd be, I'm extremely grateful for the timing to be there now.

I thought I might be able to have a few of the radiation treatments at Cape Cod Hospital so I could spend more time down the Cape this summer. However, I've decided to stay with my team at the General. The hospital's just 8 blocks away, very close if I need to get there in a hurry, and a sure way of getting my daily exercise if I choose to walk.

I'm continuing to recover from surgery, a little slower than the first go round, but no complaints. I just thank my lucky stars I'm headed in the right direction, with an end in sight.

Every single day I'm grateful to you for making all things possible. Your caring notes, emails, thoughts and prayers are my support. Know you are special beyond words to me.

Dasvadanya Igor, Auf Wiedersehen, Goodbye

Two weeks after surgery and I'm feeling GOOD. My left arm is much better, just a little tingly and numb. I'm able to do physical therapy at home, this is the good news. The not so good news centers around the conversation Steve and I had with the surgeon about the pathology results. It appears not even 2 lumpectomies would be sufficient to rid my body of Igor. Nothing short of a mastectomy will do the trick, so "off with his head" tomorrow morning.

Not only were 10 lymph nodes positive out of the 24 removed, and margins not clean in several places, the tumor didn't respond to chemotherapy in the way they had hoped. Instead of deflating like a balloon, Igor stood tall, riddled like Swiss cheese. Not ONLY is he a persistently annoying, clinger-oner piece of SLIME, he's a STINKY YELLOW ROTTEN piece of GARBAGE. I'll have to give the devil his due for being so tenacious, but ENOUGH ALREADY.

After his one-way trip to the BIN tomorrow, to help seal the deal of his demise, in 4 to 6 weeks I'll start radiation, accompanied by another round of chemo. This time it will be in pill form, one a day for 6 weeks, following each radiation treatment. Apparently a toxic mix, but the doctors think I can tolerate it, and it will be strong enough to kill any errant, lingering cells. EEEEUUUU, the THOUGHT of Igor procreating is NOT a pretty picture. This time, as his days are truly numbered, losing his cozy little home in the place called MY BREAST, should come as a BIG surprise.

This weekend I've been enjoying time down the Cape, with Steve and the kitties. Felix, who you may remember started licking the fur off his legs the day I began losing my hair, is doing better. We've taken him off kitty Prozac and put him on steroids. Very low strength, they seem to be working. Or maybe it's because my hair is starting to grow back, too.

Hope all of you are doing well. My thoughts are with YOU, and the many blessings you bring to me each and every day. Thank you so much for your comments, well wishes and prayers. I LOVE the idea of a voodoo Doll, Annie. Thick pins ONLY. The thought of an African fertility doll makes me LAUGH, Sarah. Bring them all on. You are my strength.

Igor: Down But Not Entirely Out

The BAAHSTID. (Jane pardon my French.)

The Good News: Monday I'll have the drain removed.

The Other News: I need a second surgery. The pathology report shows a few spots of tumor residue still lingering around the original site. The "margins" are not clean. I'll probably have surgery next week, we're waiting to see if the surgeon can work me into her schedule, as she's been on vacation this week. (Guess it's not ENTIRELY all about me.)

Of the 24 lymph nodes (out of 28) she removed from my left side, 10 contained cancer cells. This isn't the best of news, as fewer usually equals better in terms of outcome. There's a chance my course of treatment may need to be altered (chemo again ??). I'll know more after speaking with her.

The road is proving not only long, but filled with turns and uncertainties. I feel good, only slight tingling/burning remains in my left arm. What's left of Igor must be smirking from his vantage point, thinking he's about to gain control again. He doesn't know his days are still numbered, as the next surgery date nears. JEEZ, he's proving to be a persistently wretched piece of slime AND an annoying nuisance at the same time. It puts a smile on my face knowing he's going to be taken by surprise again BIG TIME.

Steve and I are down the Cape this weekend. The buds are just beginning to pop, the weather is warming up, everything is beautiful. We're about to go for a walk. This is great reflective time for me. I'm thankful for so many things. Waking up in the morning, the patience and loving care of my husband, the playful and gentle purring of the kitties. Most of all, the healing power of friendship. I'm so thankful for all of you, your constant well wishes and heart felt prayers and support. To be so blessed is amazing, you're in my thoughts every day. Know you're the reason I'm able to remain strong.

Igorless!

"Igorless" is certainly what we are hoping for. Kathy had her surgery today and the last nasty, little bits of Igor were removed (along with a whole bunch of lymph nodes). It will be 7 - 10 days before the pathology reports will be back. These results will show if there were "clear margins" (in other words, do any minuscule evil Igor cobwebs remain?). If they do, another surgery would be scheduled...soon.

Kathy is well ensconced in the Phillips Building of Mass General. This is where the crown princes of the world come to have their treatments. And, why would we expect anything less for our Kathy??? We would not!

On the 22nd floor, with a panoramic view of Boston, the State House, the Harbor and Logan Airport, post surgery, Kathy was glowing and alert. Steve has been with her since their 0545 arrival this morning. The relief was evident on both of their faces. They were relaxed and happy. Kathy will be spending a restful night at the hospital (until 0430 when the resident comes by to check on her) and then home tomorrow where a visiting nurse will be stopping in daily to help out.

Denise and Ellen, please know that although Kathy fully intended to come to the airport and help schlep bags for school vacation, sadly, her doctor has advised against this. Such a shame!

Kathy sends love and thanks to all of you. She'll be back on her blog soon. Until then, please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

Irene

Back to Boston

feeling like my "old" self again. This is HUGE, and I am grateful !!

The trip West was just what the doctor ordered, and then some. Mary Susanne and Cookie, a.k.a. Fred, were over the top in welcoming us back to the Desert Inn (the name I dubbed their home in Tucson). Martha and I gave it a 5 Star rating, even though they don't give out Starwood points. San Francisco was a family fest. Kate flew up from Santa Barbara, Sarah, Greg, Steve and I met Chrissie in Meridian, the only one missing was David. We toasted you and Alex every chance we had !! Also the Wilsons, fondly remembering the last time we were all together. Lew and Pearl provided much needed kitty fixes. On to Portland and visits with Jack and Ana. It felt like old home week, catching up on what's been happening in their lives.

Medical Update: My surgery has been pushed back to April 15. Tax day will take on a whole new meaning for Igor. His size has diminished, but it seems he's not going down without one final struggle. Because he's cowering and trying to hide behind the wall of residue he's created (who even knew this was possible in a breast), surgery will be guided by wires inserted before sedation. YIKES was my first response to the doctor. I'm pretty sure this is where all the left over Percosets come into play.

Hair Update: Wigs aren't my favorite accessory but I've come to grips with having to don one every once in a while. Shopping the other day, short wig in place, I was tapped on the shoulder and asked by a stranger who my hair dresser was. She liked the cut. SHE WANTED A NAME. She made my day.

Steve and I are down the Cape for the weekend. It's sunny but cool and windy. We'll have to bundle up for our walk to the beach this afternoon. I'm thinking first a stop at Percy's for pancakes will be the order of the day.

I look forward to doing NORMAL things between now and the 15th. I have a renewed appreciation for life. As always, my strength comes from you, your prayers and well wishes. You remain in my thoughts and in my heart. Thank you for being there for me.

No More Toxic Cocktails

BARTENDER, MANHATTANS AND MARGARITAS FOR EVERYONE !!

Strike up the band, I'm one third of the way through treatment. I'm feeling good and getting stronger each day. I'm overjoyed to be through with the chemotherapy part of treatment.

Last week was momentous. Reiki, acupuncture, massage, meeting Bono and the Edge, saying goodbye to my chemo nurse, seeing the infusion room for the last time. Any OTHER week, meeting celebrities (having recognized them on the street, face to face, time to spare), would top the list. However, doing the Happy Dance with Dr. Erban, my oncologist, topped even that. Igor, the smoldering spec of ash slime, is SO on his way out. This was the music in my ears as I ended the week.

All right, I'll come clean. I had to ASK someone who the balding guy with pink tinted sun glasses was, standing in front of me (next to the police van), shaking and hugging the people around him. I figured out BY MYSELF the guy next to him, with the hat, must be the Edge. A little slow on the uptake, but in my defense, chemo brain was still an issue.

Steve and I went out to dinner to celebrate his birthday on Monday. From champagne cocktails to Baked Alaska, it was quite the evening.

Doctor appointments are scheduled the end of this week, we meet with the surgeon next Monday. Tuesday's the big departure date, Tucson here we come !! Doing NORMAL things for 10 whole days. I never thought they'd mean so much.

My heart is full, thinking of you and all the ways you make everything possible. Your support is the key to my recovery. Thank you for making me feel so blessed.

One Treatment To Go !!

Last Thursday's treatment was only 9 hours, record short time for me. Martha and I went to the Liberty Hotel afterward, walked around the lobby, saw Clink, and the Alibi Bar, and had dinner downstairs. It was a fun way to end the day.

Side effects so far have been minimal, this again is HUGE. I credit the daily Reiki mantra, massage and acupuncture, and blessing the infusion bags. Everything seems to be working together to minimize the discomfort I'd felt before.

Steve and I drove down the Cape for an overnight last weekend. It was great to be up and about. It snowed on Sunday, so beautiful.

My last Taxol treatment is March 12. I'll spend two days at the hospital for scans and pre-op tests, March 19 and 20. March 23 I'll meet with the surgeon, surgery is scheduled for April 6. Everything's moving right along !!

I'm taking a break between meeting with the surgeon and the surgery date. Martha and I will spend a few days with Mary Susanne in Tuscon. I think poolside Margaritas will be the order of the day there. Steve will visit Mr. Tu in Los Angeles where I'll meet him for an overnight. We'll spend the next few days with Sarah and Greg, a much belated Christmas visit. I see morning walks, martinis and shopping on this leg. On the way home I'll stop in Portland to see Jack and Ana. SO looking forward to long talks, Wall Street Pizza and visiting with "the ladies".

I'm almost a third of the way through my journey. I'm blessed beyond words to have so many loving friends and family following my story. I think of you constantly, you're my source of strength, inspiration and hope. "Thank you" hardly seems adequate, but know that I do, thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

Reiki Rules

The Reiki session I had 2 days before the last treatment seemed to REALLY help with side effects. Reiki is an alternative and complementary therapy, which I had tried before. As it was explained to me, Reiki is a natural and simple way to achieve physical, emotional, mental and spiritual healing. It works to heal the root of disease, imbalance or disharmony.

The Reiki therapist channeled life-force energy from the universe through her body into mine. She worked on opening my chakra system (major energy centers: physical, mental and spiritual layers of the body), repairing damaged chakras and putting each in harmony and balance with my body (and the universe).

I was on the table with my eyes closed for over an hour, listening to soothing music while my thoughts floated from my disease in general to specifically minimizing the chemotherapy side effects. I could feel the warmth of the therapist's touch as she walked around me, connecting with my energies to bring the highest level of healing possible to me.

It's easy to be skeptical, but as the therapist said, "Reiki can't hurt, you have nothing to lose". So I went home with a daily mantra and intentions of "blessing" the infusion bag on the day of treatment. I've been saying the mantra and I did bless the bag(s). AND MY SIDE EFFECTS WERE MINIMIZED !! This is HUGE !!

I felt fatigue but not overwhelming bone and muscle pain. The pain I felt could be managed with percoset. My problem, however, was overdoing it the day I started to feel almost "normal". The fatigue came back and I've had to spend a lot of time in bed this weekend. By the time I'm finished with the chemotherapy treatment, I'll know how to do everything in perfect balance !!

I speak with the surgeon next week, as the next phase of treatment nears. We'll schedule appointments for tests to see exactly HOW FAR DOWN Igor has fallen in the last few months. I'm thinking hardly a pulse, beyond shell shocked to a whiny pustule of his former self. Then we'll schedule a surgery date, to rid my body of his disgusting residue FOREVER.

I now look forward to a few VERY GOOD days before the treatment on Thursday. Acupuncture, massage, a glass of wine with dinner. I've become, in short, a cheap date.

Thank you again for your well wishes, thoughts and prayers. I'm able to face the road ahead because of you, truly blessed every day.

Going For The Gold

That would be me, heading toward the end of chemotherapy, earning the dubious distinction of having had the most side-effects, reactions and allergies from any given drug at any given time. Actually, I'd prefer to think of it as Dancing With The Stars, the Mirror Ball Trophy for side-effects, reactions and allergies. Which I think would look GREAT on my living room sofa table.

I'm finally up and out of bed following the Avastin with Taxol treatment. I've read Steve's comments from the first "attempted" treatment. I have to say, it was all surreal from my perspective. I was talking to Kathi, my chemo nurse, one minute, sitting up unable to breathe the next. Steve slid to a stop outside the door, people magically appeared in the room, an oxygen tube was in my nose, someone was holding my arm and hand, and everyone was talking at once. I thought, jeez, so this is how it ends ?? I'm comforted with the touch of someone's hand to mine, I have eye contact with Steve, and I'm slowly slipping away. It wasn't a bad feeling, just different. Instead of seeing angels and white light, however, I began to breathe more easily, slowly able to recognize the people around me, although Steve remained a constant. After about an hour I was feeling good. If not for the lateness of the hour, the team would have tried an infusion a second time. Saved by the clock I say.

Steve and I went home with steroids and instructions for me to take several at midnight and again at 6 the next morning. Amazing to think these tiny pills could make everything "a go" the next day, but that's exactly what happened. People hovered outside my room the first half hour or so, then went about their morning as usual, knowing I would be "Okay" this time. Nothing like being responsible for keeping hospital staff on their toes !!

Steve and I are down the Cape for the weekend. We went out to dinner last night, first time in over a week for me. I had a glass of wine. HEAVEN. I've planned many activities between now and the next treatment. I look forward to a day with the girls on Sunday. Katie has found a movie theater that serves food and drinks with the show. Way to go Katie !!

Steve and I have Reike sessions scheduled on Tuesday. I have acupuncture and massage on Wednesday. Treatment on Thursday.

As always, my strength comes from YOU. Stay warm and well. Thank you for your love and prayers, from the bottom of my heart.

Acupuncture, Massage and a Good Night's Sleep

I think I've found the winning combination. I signed up for an hour of acupuncture and an hour of massage the day before each of my remaining treatments. Yesterday was the first appointment. The acupuncturist worked on relieving fatigue and stress. I basically laid on the table thinking good thoughts while listening to calming music. I drifted to blue skies, ocean breezes and morning Mai Tais. Swimming pools, sandy beaches and Roy's blackened Ahi appetizers. This sounds specific, but actually focusing on any lounge chair in the shade of a banyan tree would work, and it did.
Next the massage therapist worked on reducing the stress balls in my neck. This was heaven. She worked on my head too, which felt so much better without hair on my head and I loved it. The hour flew by and all too soon it was time to go home.

This brings me to the realization that men have been hiding one of the best kept secrets of all time. No hair equals: WAY less time in the shower, non-event hair blow drying, untold $$$ saved on hair product, no worries about humidity, no worries about rain hats, and TOTAL ENJOYMENT at the hair salon sink. Bald heads feel GREAT rubbed with oil !!

I'm off to my treatment, I have no headache and I feel good. We'll see what Taxol has in store for me this afternoon. It should be "a walk on the beach" compared to the chemical mix I've been given the last 2 months. As always, I THANK YOU for your support and loving well wishes. You're JUST the best.

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

I'm awake, which is of course THE GOOD. Igor, THE BAD, has fallen to the wayside. Dr. Erban has identified the hulk of this wretch in a pile by the side of the road. A fence is going up around him where he will be contained, easily picked out of a line up and disposed of a later date. That would be by the surgeon, Dr. Spect. She will take THE UGLY remains and dispose of them FOREVER !!

Once again, it's hard to believe I've just spent the better part of 8 days in bed. For me, the cumulative effects of chemotherapy begin and end with fatigue. Oh, and a touch of nausea thrown in for good measure. A miraculous change happens on the 8th day. One minute I'm tired beyond belief, the next I'm feeling NORMAL. With ENERGY. It brings me to my knees in gratitude. Before my breast cancer diagnosis, I'd been blessed with good health all my life. Colds, minor surgeries, scrapes and bruises being the sum total of my "sick" experiences. A few days in bed, a few pills and potions, and eventually whatever was wrong would go away. For someone like me, it's unimaginable to wake up, morning after morning, feeling UNWELL. With untold poisons running through my body, killing everything fast growing in their path, I know one day this might include me. And so enters anxiety into the mix. But on that 8th day, that miraculous transformation occurs, and I know I've made it through another round. Confirming anything is possible, and aren't we so blessed to be alive.

I gave up reading "cancer" books. I have 3, which are not only informative but very well written and FUNNY. Initially I thought they were helping me. I was learning about the disease and laughing at the same time, relating to these articulate, strong women with stories and experiences strikingly similar to mine. I mean, how can you not have a smile on your face hearing about girlfriends fighting over whose initials to shave onto a newly bald head, sitting there with a glass of merlot in hand. Well, for me, this flood of information caused a major meltdown. Poor Steve, really, I promise to keep the books hidden until you say it's alright to bring them out again or perhaps write my own.

We're down the Cape for the weekend. This morning we saw coyotes for the first time, across the bay from our house. So beautiful. Our neighbors report they come in our yard and rest in our driveway, when we're not here. I think this is the family they told us about last summer, it was good to finally see them.

My next treatment is Thursday. I'm scheduled Wednesday for massage and acupuncture, which I know will help clear my mind and prepare my body for the treatment. As always, my thoughts are with you. Thank you for your well wishes and love, you truly make it all bearable for me.

The Day Before Treatment

And I'm TRYING To Keep My Blood Pressure Down.

Truly, I've been in bed most of the morning, eating breakfast, reading the paper, talking on the phone. This may have something to do with the fact Steve and I were up late last night. Terry and EG's January Christmas Dinner Party went on well into the night. So delicious and so much fun, not to mention engaging friends, presents and "the world's cutest" dogs to pet and play with. Thanks for such a great time guys !!

You know I'm tired when I back out of a shopping/lunch date (with Martha), scheduled for today, gift cards burning holes in my pockets. Rain check for another day when the arctic weather has blown out of here.

I'm in a reflective mood as I approach tomorrow's treatment. This will be the last "killer toxic" chemo mix, Adriamycin and Cyclophosphamide (with Avastin). (Specific names for Garden Club and other techies.) Subsequent treatments will consist of Paclitaxel (with Avastin). I've honed a routine to keep my mind in a good place and my blood pressure down. This includes a combination of relaxation and drugs, a combo I will endorse from now and forever.

The biggest contribution to my psyche and feeling of peace and well being is, of course, the strength and support I receive from you each day. I'm overwhelmed by your generous outpouring of prayers and well wishes. Mimi remembered me to the S.M.A. Fathers. Don remembered me to the Monks at St. Benedict. Everyday I receive emails, cards and phone calls from you, not just serious well wishes but funny stuff, too, which makes me laugh out loud. I mean, I've got angels and Monks on my side !! I am blessed beyond all reason.

A few months ago I was worried about cholesterol and weight gain. OKay, frizzy hair and belly fat might have been an issue every now and then. Today, I'm thankful for waking up each morning. Being able to check the treatment side effect list to see what's developed overnight, knowing that even a new wave of hives could be worse. I have a team of doctors who are working together to make me well. I have loving family and friends who care how and what I'm doing, bring me food and comfort me.

When the chemo round is over, I'll be ready for a make-over. We'll wait to see if my hair comes back frizzy, if my cholesterol numbers are more in the ball park, my weight more in portion to my height. Small stuff to sweat !!

Stay warm and well. My thoughts are with you.

Hair Today ...

Gone tomorrow. But not always as planned.

Guess I've been avoiding talking about the H A I R issue. Of course I knew it was a given, my hair would fall out. But as the days passed and I still had some semblance of Shimon's perfect hair style on my head, I thought, M A Y B E I'd beaten the odds. I stopped combing it, really all I needed was a little spritz and shake. A holiday bow on the side. Spray shampoo so the hair dryer didn't have to get involved. "GLAM" was the word that came to mind. However, just like clockwork, 14 days after the first nasty chemo mix, my hair started falling out. Very quietly, just a few strands at a time. Who would know, I thought, I had SO much hair. I went for another week, then as more hair fell out, it started to hurt. Maria said this would happen, and of course she was right. I guess I knew it was time to take control of the situation. I got a short cut, which lasted a few days, then went all out for the BUZZ CUT. Even this is thinning. I wish I could embrace the words "BALD IS BEAUTIFUL, WHOO YAAH". Although this will probably not be my mantra, I'm getting used to the situation. I wear caps in the house, and wigs outside. I have a short wig that looks good with a wool hat, and a longer wig that passes for the real deal. If nothing else, I'm learning to embrace change.

About the time I started losing my hair, Felix started licking the fur off of his legs. He was a black cat with a white bib and white markings between his back legs. He's now a black cat with a white bib, 2 white back legs and 4 white polka dots on his right side. The vet said he suffering from 1 of 3 things: allergies, ringworm or anxiety. Allergies and ringworm have been ruled out. She thinks he's feeling my stress and suffering right along with me. He's now on antibiotics and kitty Prozac. Jeez. Maybe his fur will start to grow back when I no longer need the wigs.

I'm enjoying the last "good" days before my Thursday treatment. Martha is taking me this time. As Garden Club Med Tech extraordinaire (not to mention proprietress of Rehab West) she has many questions for Dr. Erban. While I concern myself with a blood pressure reading of under 150/100, she'll study the hematology and chemistry reports, and will be able to relate to Garden Club my official standing with regard to WBC, HCT and Absolute EOS.

Hope this finds you well. As always, thank you for your continued support, love and well wishes. I couldn't face this alone, you make everything possible.

Happy New Year !!

Hope everyone had wonderful New Year's celebrations. Hard to believe the holidays are behind us. I ushered in the New Year with a toast of sparkling water and a percocet. Next time champagne and pate, already looking forward to it.

Finally, I'm up and feeling better today. Can't believe I've spent so much time in bed. The Wednesday treatment threw me for a loop. Guess every day will continue to bring new challenges.

I've found a way into the treatment center to avoid walking through the lobby, which apparently is a big cause of anxiety for me. Major contributor to the headache, high blood pressure and trip to the ER last time. Meditation, ativan and coffee are now part of my pre-treatment routine. Who knew drugs and caffeine could be such a cure all. I had a Reike session the day before, healing energy to my head and body. The treatment center offers acupuncture, massage and yoga. I'm signing up for all of it.

It's interesting how my world and focus have changed in the past 2 months. Maria said it best, your life goes on hold while you go through the treatments and side effects, tests and procedures. With each new side effect, I read the handbook to make sure I'm on track with "normal" side effect stuff. Indigestion, fatigue, shortness of breath, headache, nausea, toothache, bone ache, voice change, coughing. I give myself a shot every 2 weeks, and take countless meds to combat the effects of the chemo. I've come a long way from my pre-diagnosis fear of needles, to say the least. Truly, anything's possible.

An Igor update. Dr. Erban tells me he's shrinking in girth and melting in size. Whatever side effects I have, he has more. His pulse is waning as he shrivels up and dies. Major cause for celebration.

I look forward to feeling well enough to take a walk outside over the weekend. I've had to suspend my gym membership through the fall. I should be ready to go back by then, with an April surgery.

Thinking of you and wishing you all the best for a happy, healthy New Year.