I think I've found the winning combination. I signed up for an hour of acupuncture and an hour of massage the day before each of my remaining treatments. Yesterday was the first appointment. The acupuncturist worked on relieving fatigue and stress. I basically laid on the table thinking good thoughts while listening to calming music. I drifted to blue skies, ocean breezes and morning Mai Tais. Swimming pools, sandy beaches and Roy's blackened Ahi appetizers. This sounds specific, but actually focusing on any lounge chair in the shade of a banyan tree would work, and it did.
Next the massage therapist worked on reducing the stress balls in my neck. This was heaven. She worked on my head too, which felt so much better without hair on my head and I loved it. The hour flew by and all too soon it was time to go home.
This brings me to the realization that men have been hiding one of the best kept secrets of all time. No hair equals: WAY less time in the shower, non-event hair blow drying, untold $$$ saved on hair product, no worries about humidity, no worries about rain hats, and TOTAL ENJOYMENT at the hair salon sink. Bald heads feel GREAT rubbed with oil !!
I'm off to my treatment, I have no headache and I feel good. We'll see what Taxol has in store for me this afternoon. It should be "a walk on the beach" compared to the chemical mix I've been given the last 2 months. As always, I THANK YOU for your support and loving well wishes. You're JUST the best.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Sunday, January 25, 2009
The Good, The Bad and The Ugly
I'm awake, which is of course THE GOOD. Igor, THE BAD, has fallen to the wayside. Dr. Erban has identified the hulk of this wretch in a pile by the side of the road. A fence is going up around him where he will be contained, easily picked out of a line up and disposed of a later date. That would be by the surgeon, Dr. Spect. She will take THE UGLY remains and dispose of them FOREVER !!
Once again, it's hard to believe I've just spent the better part of 8 days in bed. For me, the cumulative effects of chemotherapy begin and end with fatigue. Oh, and a touch of nausea thrown in for good measure. A miraculous change happens on the 8th day. One minute I'm tired beyond belief, the next I'm feeling NORMAL. With ENERGY. It brings me to my knees in gratitude. Before my breast cancer diagnosis, I'd been blessed with good health all my life. Colds, minor surgeries, scrapes and bruises being the sum total of my "sick" experiences. A few days in bed, a few pills and potions, and eventually whatever was wrong would go away. For someone like me, it's unimaginable to wake up, morning after morning, feeling UNWELL. With untold poisons running through my body, killing everything fast growing in their path, I know one day this might include me. And so enters anxiety into the mix. But on that 8th day, that miraculous transformation occurs, and I know I've made it through another round. Confirming anything is possible, and aren't we so blessed to be alive.
I gave up reading "cancer" books. I have 3, which are not only informative but very well written and FUNNY. Initially I thought they were helping me. I was learning about the disease and laughing at the same time, relating to these articulate, strong women with stories and experiences strikingly similar to mine. I mean, how can you not have a smile on your face hearing about girlfriends fighting over whose initials to shave onto a newly bald head, sitting there with a glass of merlot in hand. Well, for me, this flood of information caused a major meltdown. Poor Steve, really, I promise to keep the books hidden until you say it's alright to bring them out again or perhaps write my own.
We're down the Cape for the weekend. This morning we saw coyotes for the first time, across the bay from our house. So beautiful. Our neighbors report they come in our yard and rest in our driveway, when we're not here. I think this is the family they told us about last summer, it was good to finally see them.
My next treatment is Thursday. I'm scheduled Wednesday for massage and acupuncture, which I know will help clear my mind and prepare my body for the treatment. As always, my thoughts are with you. Thank you for your well wishes and love, you truly make it all bearable for me.
Once again, it's hard to believe I've just spent the better part of 8 days in bed. For me, the cumulative effects of chemotherapy begin and end with fatigue. Oh, and a touch of nausea thrown in for good measure. A miraculous change happens on the 8th day. One minute I'm tired beyond belief, the next I'm feeling NORMAL. With ENERGY. It brings me to my knees in gratitude. Before my breast cancer diagnosis, I'd been blessed with good health all my life. Colds, minor surgeries, scrapes and bruises being the sum total of my "sick" experiences. A few days in bed, a few pills and potions, and eventually whatever was wrong would go away. For someone like me, it's unimaginable to wake up, morning after morning, feeling UNWELL. With untold poisons running through my body, killing everything fast growing in their path, I know one day this might include me. And so enters anxiety into the mix. But on that 8th day, that miraculous transformation occurs, and I know I've made it through another round. Confirming anything is possible, and aren't we so blessed to be alive.
I gave up reading "cancer" books. I have 3, which are not only informative but very well written and FUNNY. Initially I thought they were helping me. I was learning about the disease and laughing at the same time, relating to these articulate, strong women with stories and experiences strikingly similar to mine. I mean, how can you not have a smile on your face hearing about girlfriends fighting over whose initials to shave onto a newly bald head, sitting there with a glass of merlot in hand. Well, for me, this flood of information caused a major meltdown. Poor Steve, really, I promise to keep the books hidden until you say it's alright to bring them out again or perhaps write my own.
We're down the Cape for the weekend. This morning we saw coyotes for the first time, across the bay from our house. So beautiful. Our neighbors report they come in our yard and rest in our driveway, when we're not here. I think this is the family they told us about last summer, it was good to finally see them.
My next treatment is Thursday. I'm scheduled Wednesday for massage and acupuncture, which I know will help clear my mind and prepare my body for the treatment. As always, my thoughts are with you. Thank you for your well wishes and love, you truly make it all bearable for me.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
The Day Before Treatment
And I'm TRYING To Keep My Blood Pressure Down.
Truly, I've been in bed most of the morning, eating breakfast, reading the paper, talking on the phone. This may have something to do with the fact Steve and I were up late last night. Terry and EG's January Christmas Dinner Party went on well into the night. So delicious and so much fun, not to mention engaging friends, presents and "the world's cutest" dogs to pet and play with. Thanks for such a great time guys !!
You know I'm tired when I back out of a shopping/lunch date (with Martha), scheduled for today, gift cards burning holes in my pockets. Rain check for another day when the arctic weather has blown out of here.
I'm in a reflective mood as I approach tomorrow's treatment. This will be the last "killer toxic" chemo mix, Adriamycin and Cyclophosphamide (with Avastin). (Specific names for Garden Club and other techies.) Subsequent treatments will consist of Paclitaxel (with Avastin). I've honed a routine to keep my mind in a good place and my blood pressure down. This includes a combination of relaxation and drugs, a combo I will endorse from now and forever.
The biggest contribution to my psyche and feeling of peace and well being is, of course, the strength and support I receive from you each day. I'm overwhelmed by your generous outpouring of prayers and well wishes. Mimi remembered me to the S.M.A. Fathers. Don remembered me to the Monks at St. Benedict. Everyday I receive emails, cards and phone calls from you, not just serious well wishes but funny stuff, too, which makes me laugh out loud. I mean, I've got angels and Monks on my side !! I am blessed beyond all reason.
A few months ago I was worried about cholesterol and weight gain. OKay, frizzy hair and belly fat might have been an issue every now and then. Today, I'm thankful for waking up each morning. Being able to check the treatment side effect list to see what's developed overnight, knowing that even a new wave of hives could be worse. I have a team of doctors who are working together to make me well. I have loving family and friends who care how and what I'm doing, bring me food and comfort me.
When the chemo round is over, I'll be ready for a make-over. We'll wait to see if my hair comes back frizzy, if my cholesterol numbers are more in the ball park, my weight more in portion to my height. Small stuff to sweat !!
Stay warm and well. My thoughts are with you.
Truly, I've been in bed most of the morning, eating breakfast, reading the paper, talking on the phone. This may have something to do with the fact Steve and I were up late last night. Terry and EG's January Christmas Dinner Party went on well into the night. So delicious and so much fun, not to mention engaging friends, presents and "the world's cutest" dogs to pet and play with. Thanks for such a great time guys !!
You know I'm tired when I back out of a shopping/lunch date (with Martha), scheduled for today, gift cards burning holes in my pockets. Rain check for another day when the arctic weather has blown out of here.
I'm in a reflective mood as I approach tomorrow's treatment. This will be the last "killer toxic" chemo mix, Adriamycin and Cyclophosphamide (with Avastin). (Specific names for Garden Club and other techies.) Subsequent treatments will consist of Paclitaxel (with Avastin). I've honed a routine to keep my mind in a good place and my blood pressure down. This includes a combination of relaxation and drugs, a combo I will endorse from now and forever.
The biggest contribution to my psyche and feeling of peace and well being is, of course, the strength and support I receive from you each day. I'm overwhelmed by your generous outpouring of prayers and well wishes. Mimi remembered me to the S.M.A. Fathers. Don remembered me to the Monks at St. Benedict. Everyday I receive emails, cards and phone calls from you, not just serious well wishes but funny stuff, too, which makes me laugh out loud. I mean, I've got angels and Monks on my side !! I am blessed beyond all reason.
A few months ago I was worried about cholesterol and weight gain. OKay, frizzy hair and belly fat might have been an issue every now and then. Today, I'm thankful for waking up each morning. Being able to check the treatment side effect list to see what's developed overnight, knowing that even a new wave of hives could be worse. I have a team of doctors who are working together to make me well. I have loving family and friends who care how and what I'm doing, bring me food and comfort me.
When the chemo round is over, I'll be ready for a make-over. We'll wait to see if my hair comes back frizzy, if my cholesterol numbers are more in the ball park, my weight more in portion to my height. Small stuff to sweat !!
Stay warm and well. My thoughts are with you.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Hair Today ...
Gone tomorrow. But not always as planned.
Guess I've been avoiding talking about the H A I R issue. Of course I knew it was a given, my hair would fall out. But as the days passed and I still had some semblance of Shimon's perfect hair style on my head, I thought, M A Y B E I'd beaten the odds. I stopped combing it, really all I needed was a little spritz and shake. A holiday bow on the side. Spray shampoo so the hair dryer didn't have to get involved. "GLAM" was the word that came to mind. However, just like clockwork, 14 days after the first nasty chemo mix, my hair started falling out. Very quietly, just a few strands at a time. Who would know, I thought, I had SO much hair. I went for another week, then as more hair fell out, it started to hurt. Maria said this would happen, and of course she was right. I guess I knew it was time to take control of the situation. I got a short cut, which lasted a few days, then went all out for the BUZZ CUT. Even this is thinning. I wish I could embrace the words "BALD IS BEAUTIFUL, WHOO YAAH". Although this will probably not be my mantra, I'm getting used to the situation. I wear caps in the house, and wigs outside. I have a short wig that looks good with a wool hat, and a longer wig that passes for the real deal. If nothing else, I'm learning to embrace change.
About the time I started losing my hair, Felix started licking the fur off of his legs. He was a black cat with a white bib and white markings between his back legs. He's now a black cat with a white bib, 2 white back legs and 4 white polka dots on his right side. The vet said he suffering from 1 of 3 things: allergies, ringworm or anxiety. Allergies and ringworm have been ruled out. She thinks he's feeling my stress and suffering right along with me. He's now on antibiotics and kitty Prozac. Jeez. Maybe his fur will start to grow back when I no longer need the wigs.
I'm enjoying the last "good" days before my Thursday treatment. Martha is taking me this time. As Garden Club Med Tech extraordinaire (not to mention proprietress of Rehab West) she has many questions for Dr. Erban. While I concern myself with a blood pressure reading of under 150/100, she'll study the hematology and chemistry reports, and will be able to relate to Garden Club my official standing with regard to WBC, HCT and Absolute EOS.
Hope this finds you well. As always, thank you for your continued support, love and well wishes. I couldn't face this alone, you make everything possible.
Guess I've been avoiding talking about the H A I R issue. Of course I knew it was a given, my hair would fall out. But as the days passed and I still had some semblance of Shimon's perfect hair style on my head, I thought, M A Y B E I'd beaten the odds. I stopped combing it, really all I needed was a little spritz and shake. A holiday bow on the side. Spray shampoo so the hair dryer didn't have to get involved. "GLAM" was the word that came to mind. However, just like clockwork, 14 days after the first nasty chemo mix, my hair started falling out. Very quietly, just a few strands at a time. Who would know, I thought, I had SO much hair. I went for another week, then as more hair fell out, it started to hurt. Maria said this would happen, and of course she was right. I guess I knew it was time to take control of the situation. I got a short cut, which lasted a few days, then went all out for the BUZZ CUT. Even this is thinning. I wish I could embrace the words "BALD IS BEAUTIFUL, WHOO YAAH". Although this will probably not be my mantra, I'm getting used to the situation. I wear caps in the house, and wigs outside. I have a short wig that looks good with a wool hat, and a longer wig that passes for the real deal. If nothing else, I'm learning to embrace change.
About the time I started losing my hair, Felix started licking the fur off of his legs. He was a black cat with a white bib and white markings between his back legs. He's now a black cat with a white bib, 2 white back legs and 4 white polka dots on his right side. The vet said he suffering from 1 of 3 things: allergies, ringworm or anxiety. Allergies and ringworm have been ruled out. She thinks he's feeling my stress and suffering right along with me. He's now on antibiotics and kitty Prozac. Jeez. Maybe his fur will start to grow back when I no longer need the wigs.
I'm enjoying the last "good" days before my Thursday treatment. Martha is taking me this time. As Garden Club Med Tech extraordinaire (not to mention proprietress of Rehab West) she has many questions for Dr. Erban. While I concern myself with a blood pressure reading of under 150/100, she'll study the hematology and chemistry reports, and will be able to relate to Garden Club my official standing with regard to WBC, HCT and Absolute EOS.
Hope this finds you well. As always, thank you for your continued support, love and well wishes. I couldn't face this alone, you make everything possible.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Happy New Year !!
Hope everyone had wonderful New Year's celebrations. Hard to believe the holidays are behind us. I ushered in the New Year with a toast of sparkling water and a percocet. Next time champagne and pate, already looking forward to it.
Finally, I'm up and feeling better today. Can't believe I've spent so much time in bed. The Wednesday treatment threw me for a loop. Guess every day will continue to bring new challenges.
I've found a way into the treatment center to avoid walking through the lobby, which apparently is a big cause of anxiety for me. Major contributor to the headache, high blood pressure and trip to the ER last time. Meditation, ativan and coffee are now part of my pre-treatment routine. Who knew drugs and caffeine could be such a cure all. I had a Reike session the day before, healing energy to my head and body. The treatment center offers acupuncture, massage and yoga. I'm signing up for all of it.
It's interesting how my world and focus have changed in the past 2 months. Maria said it best, your life goes on hold while you go through the treatments and side effects, tests and procedures. With each new side effect, I read the handbook to make sure I'm on track with "normal" side effect stuff. Indigestion, fatigue, shortness of breath, headache, nausea, toothache, bone ache, voice change, coughing. I give myself a shot every 2 weeks, and take countless meds to combat the effects of the chemo. I've come a long way from my pre-diagnosis fear of needles, to say the least. Truly, anything's possible.
An Igor update. Dr. Erban tells me he's shrinking in girth and melting in size. Whatever side effects I have, he has more. His pulse is waning as he shrivels up and dies. Major cause for celebration.
I look forward to feeling well enough to take a walk outside over the weekend. I've had to suspend my gym membership through the fall. I should be ready to go back by then, with an April surgery.
Thinking of you and wishing you all the best for a happy, healthy New Year.
Finally, I'm up and feeling better today. Can't believe I've spent so much time in bed. The Wednesday treatment threw me for a loop. Guess every day will continue to bring new challenges.
I've found a way into the treatment center to avoid walking through the lobby, which apparently is a big cause of anxiety for me. Major contributor to the headache, high blood pressure and trip to the ER last time. Meditation, ativan and coffee are now part of my pre-treatment routine. Who knew drugs and caffeine could be such a cure all. I had a Reike session the day before, healing energy to my head and body. The treatment center offers acupuncture, massage and yoga. I'm signing up for all of it.
It's interesting how my world and focus have changed in the past 2 months. Maria said it best, your life goes on hold while you go through the treatments and side effects, tests and procedures. With each new side effect, I read the handbook to make sure I'm on track with "normal" side effect stuff. Indigestion, fatigue, shortness of breath, headache, nausea, toothache, bone ache, voice change, coughing. I give myself a shot every 2 weeks, and take countless meds to combat the effects of the chemo. I've come a long way from my pre-diagnosis fear of needles, to say the least. Truly, anything's possible.
An Igor update. Dr. Erban tells me he's shrinking in girth and melting in size. Whatever side effects I have, he has more. His pulse is waning as he shrivels up and dies. Major cause for celebration.
I look forward to feeling well enough to take a walk outside over the weekend. I've had to suspend my gym membership through the fall. I should be ready to go back by then, with an April surgery.
Thinking of you and wishing you all the best for a happy, healthy New Year.
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